mission: to get my life back on track

I am having one of those "awake at 3am" moments. Ever since I read about it in Emily's Quest, I've been thinking what they feel like. Let me tell you, not good.

Here is why I am having one of those moments. Senior year is the worst year because procrastination becomes like a sickness. I thought I was able to fight it off junior year and I was sort of handling it this year. But it has become worse as spring break has gone by. Why? Because I know I got into the college I want and I do not care much of high school except to get decent grades (hello to STRAIGHT C's!) and get my diploma. No I won't get straight C's, I have too much pride, but I am going down that ugly road. I could not go to sleep because of anxiety over my ap literature homework, spring break is over, I need to face my troubles, I am graduating, I am thinking about how graduation day will be, my senior project is a mess, etc.

So TO SOLVE THIS, time for a list.

things need to be done by end of this month:

1. senior project needs to be DONE?!!?!?!?!? 3 weeks to get a book or something.
2. suck up and start doing homework for my classes on time.
3. take lots of photos for photo1 and my book.
4. turn in stuff for ucsd (fasfa verification forms before may1st)
5. cram for aps; start to CARE again
6. get a senior ball dress
7. pay dues for sober grad night, yearbook, etc.
   

I may need to add more to this list.

I hope I will get motivation for life again. And get over my anxiety.

I did some portraits for photo1 and they came out interesting. I've been watching lots of movies over spring break and I will do post about them later.

---christina.

dont sweat it.

It is November 1 and you know that means PANIC MOOOODE (whiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrllll the sirens) because 29 days before the deadline of UC/csu APPS!!! But don't sweat it, we can make it.

So my Halloween turned out to be a LOT more fun that I thought it was going to be. So I had to work on Halloween night (sad sad) so I made no plans with friends to spend Halloween and everyone was kind of off doing their own thing. The night before, my friend and I realized we wanted to dress up for school. So we spent half the night researching on what we could be with the clothes we already had. She lost inspiration but I found some. I decided to be a modern day SNOW WHITE. I got some great inspiration from a site that I cannot remember and it is on my sister's browser but I made an outfit somewhat like this.

I wore a yellow skirt I had (same shade as one above), a blue top (same shade as above) with this peter pan collar, a red sash (made with this long red thin scarf i had) around my waist, red tights (because it was cold!) and a red headband. Surprisingly, a lot of people got it. Too bad I do not have a picture of it (Chrissa took some for yearbook though) but this one random girl even came up to me and was like "Miss? (...why do i feel old when she called me that..) Are you Snow White?" and I replied "yes!". Nice moment. Sadly Halloween was a little desolate this year. It was raining and cold. I took my little sister trick or treating for an hour before I went to work at 8pm. We didn't get as much candy and skipped around a lot, but she was satisfied enough. Then I went to work and me and Hanh were very bored since it wasn't busy at all. But luckily our lovely friends came to visit us because they also had nothing to do. So I said, HEY IT IS OUR LAST HALLOWEEN TOGETHER, we HAVE TO TAKE A PICTURE!! And we did, and they should all thank me for this lovely memory even though I look like CRAP in my work clothes and our Red Berry hats always make us look stupid.

The Red Berry circle of Frozen Yogurt Love.



I love silly pictures the best.

We closed early around 10 pm and decided a spontaneous trip to In & Out because of course the coolest kids always go to In&Out. We squished in a booth and ate our animal fries and burgers and enjoyed our youth. And afterwards, Michelle, Lissah, and I danced around to Matt blasting Jonas Brothers' Burning Up while Desiree recorded us. Then Kingston and Michelle started dancing in front of all the cars in the drive thru line and then I realized it was time to go hommmmme so we stop acting like obnoxious teenagers. But it was a lot of fun. Simple joys like that should never be taken for granted.

For my senior paper (on my senior project) I have decided to do a paper that is opposite of my project (theme revolves around happy, stress-free week). It questions why does the current youth stress so much (I think the youth is starting to stress more and more and at a younger age) and does it result it more aggression and violence in society? I checked out a couple teen stress and angst books and also a self-help book called Don't Sweat the Small Stuff for Teens. I do not really believe in self-help books because I think people who write them are pompous asses who have more effed lives than normal people but don't even realize it but this one is okay.

I am using it as a somewhat Bible for my daily stresses and I have been preaching random quotes from it to my friends when we stress out but they just yell at me to shut up. See what I mean teen stress = ANGST AND VIOLENCE!!

So here are a couple tips for stress:

1. Don't THROW UP ON FRIENDS - You wouldn't throw up on friends when you are sick (because that is sick) so don't get mad at them when you are having a mood swing because mood swings are temporary but your actions and words from those swings are permanent.
2. Convince yourself that one teen makes a difference - I STRONGLY believe in this one and I always try to encourage people about this philosophy. "You make a difference every time you're thoughtful, helpful, cooperative, generous, compasionate, or kind. "
3. Avoid the words " I know " when someone is talking - I do this all the time when I am talking to my mom and she gets really mad so I should this. "When you automatically respond to someone by saying 'I know' what you're really saing is, 'I'm not listening to you'.".
4. Get out of the EMERGENCY LANE! - I have a lot friends who do this and it rubs off of me too. So we just all panic and run around like chickens with our heads cut off over little things. "In a nutshell, living life in the emergency lane measn you treat virtually everying as an emergency! Every decision seems critical, every mistake is looked at as monumental...You're usually in a hurry, anxious to get somewhere other than where you are...when everything is a really big deal to you, it's almost impossible to have any fun!"
5. DROP THE DRAMA - The biggest lesson a teenage can overcome, dropping the drama, especially if it is yours. I am the type to get over things in like a day, but a lot of people I know can moan about things for weeks. GET OVER IT!!! "And while it can be realy tempting to blow these types of things out of proportion, it's ultimately better for your SANITY, your friendships, and your happiness to learn to let them go."
   

This book solves all the stresses I am going through (except family... I haven't read that far into the book).

I hoped I'ved helped your life a little if you actually READ those tips. :] I hope I can keep these things in mind as I go on with my life.

---ck.

my horoscope for the week.

This is going to be a high-stress week. Be prepared for sudden changes to long-term plans, new faces on the scene, and general chaos. Keep a mineral-water spritzer in your bag at all times, as you'll want to keep looking fresh even when the pressure's on.

--courtesy of TEEN VOGUE

SATs, APs, SR BALL, OH MY!! that prediction hit me right on the spot. end of may = JOOOY.

--- christina.

failure is not in MY DICTIONARY.

Yeah to QUOTE PACHIA:

"why does it feel like whether i fail or succeed, in the next couple of weeks, is going to define the rest of my life?! i hate that. pressure about school just does that too you."

If I can get make and SURVIVE up until MAY 14th, I CAN SUCCEED. Just gotta keep going. Gotta KEEP ROOLLLLING. I cannot lose stride. I cannot give up. I cannot get down with the spring fever and fail to lose control. But it has been happening. But I won't let it happen to me. I was keeping on top of it, but this week... was one of those weeks. I was doing homework up until WEDNESDAY. Downhill from there. But yeah I have been studying AP US History (pats self on back) and I have been trying. But you know, MAY is the worst time of the year. Everyone is tired and drowsy. Everyone is freaking sneezing and red-eyed (in sacramento) because of allergies. Everyone is WAITING for summer to come. Everyone is counting down the days.

SO EVERYONE, lets do it. Lets make it. Lets end the year with a

BANG BANG BANG!!!!

If I can do it, you can do it.

And to quote MELANIE

"I'd rather be upset that I worked hard and didn't get what I wanted than regret that I didn't put all my effort into things when I still had the time. Everything is going to pay off one day and even though we're complaining now, this is all going to be worth it."

It is going to be worth it. After AP testing, sweet days of bliss will follow. After that all my classes will be easy breezy. Anyways, why is it the worst things but the best things happen? So I was trying to convince myself that this month, I WILL BE SOCIAL HERMIT. I will turn on the "nerd" button and study study study, like I should. But last week, I was feeling emo and a loser because I was a social hermit last weekend. But when I try a social hermit, people bring back out and tempt to go out and fill up my social calendar. NO NO NO. Sadly to say, I am totally busy and driving myself crazy. Tomorrow is finally LUAWOW for our Pacific Islander's Club (though I am not a pacific islander). It will be crazy fun and a great time. I hope we give a great performance. Yeah so I have tons of homework and I will be busy ALL SATURDAY. GREAAT.. Then next weekend, SATURDAY is SATs and SENIOR BALL which I was invited to. ACK. THE AGONY. It will be nice to party after taking a five hour test, but I AM FREAKING WORRIED about my attention span next week. Knowing me I will be like PARTY PARTY PARTY from Monday to SATURDAY!!! BUT I CAN't. We have those freaking lame California Standardized testing next week also so we get three half-days (yay) but I still have to stay after school till like 2 to do AP Chemistry and AP US study groups. Great.

Once it hits JUNE, I am going to JUUUUUUMMMP FOR JOY! I hope I inspired you to try and DO BETTER.

christina.

p.s. and my birthday is next wednesday and i dont even have time to celebrate. superduper crazy seventeen. whoot. bake me a cake.

allergy season, i can feel it in the wind.

I finally ordered my boutiner (sp?). I decided cream with gold ribbon to match my dress. So no prom worries except for asking for extra money from my parents. Every time I bring up the subject of prom my mom gets very huffy and puffy. She just gets mad I am spending money but I rarely spent any money. I feel worse because I didn't spend that much money compared to my date. I feel bad just for asking money for paying for my AP tests. And I am only spending $15 because I got the reduced amount because I get free lunch. But still taking three AP tests. When my mom gave me the money she just gave me another lecture how I better do well because of the money I waste. When it comes to talk to my parents about school, it gives me a headache. It makes me want to hyperventilate. Just thinking about the stress makes it hard for me to breathe. I get very annoyed of the lectures my parents give me about my education. I know I am not numero uno in the class or even close to top ten, but I try. I have been feeling very stupid lately. I can't even get an A in Spanish 3. I feel like a loser. It is very depressing.

Anyways. So we just read Catcher in the Rye in AP English 11 and it is a pretty interesting book. I can relate to Holden to some extent but I really hated how critical he was about everyone around him. What gives him the right to call everyone "phonies" ? But I think he is a pretty interesting character. It is a hilarious read at some moments. But I think one line that stood out to me particulary at the moment I was reading was when Holden is describing this old museum he used to go to all the time when he was a kid. The museum never changed but

...the only thing that would be different would be you. Not that you'd be so much older or anything. It wouldnt be that, exactly. you'd just be different, that's all. You'd have an overcoat on this time. Or..you'd have a substitute taking the class, instead of Miss Algetinger...Or you'd just passed by one of those puddles in the street with gasoline rainbows in them. I mean you'd be different in some way--I can't explain what I mean. And even if I could, I'm not sure I'd feel like it.

Do I have a place like that? A place where time has stopped still and left it as it is but the only thing that has changed is me? Haha. That of course reminds me of the story of where I saw my old house with my mom and it wasn't the same. The house I had grown up for almost five years (not long but seems long) during my adolescence was gone. It was still there. But the new owners had changed it to a place that did not look like home to me. It was quite sad. Like a part of me had died. Like Holden I can't explain what it meant when I saw my house that was no longer mine. It was like I felt that though I had forgotten that house, that past, and the memories. They were still there and I excepted them to remain the same. But unlike Holden, I don't have a place that stays the same. But I do have a home. That is what Holden didn't have. I have a place to call home.

And gasoline rainbows. I kind of know what he meant. I think it is a really unique way to describe it though. Have you ever seen puddles made by gasoline from those gas pipes on the bottom of cars? Well of course because of the light and all that reflective crap, it makes rainbows in the gasoline. I remember seeing those. I remember when rainbows were actually magical. When I was fascinated by them and I wondered what luck it could bring me by seeing one. Haha I remember that day a week or so back that Sacramento had some rain, and that big rainbow came out. It was the hugest rainbow I had seen. My sister was like "wow, that was amazing". But guess what. I ruined it. I was like "yeah well rainbows are actually not magical, they are made from blah blah blah". WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME. WHERE HAS MY CHILDHOOD GONE? WHERE HAS MY SENSE OF IMAGINATION GONE? I am slowly becoming a lifeless being who only breathes and lives by trying to have good grades, who looks like a perfect being on the outside, who is trying to please everyone, at the same time trying to please herself by trying to fit herself into an ideal. I am a sad child. But don't worry. I am fine. I am normal. I am still on ground. Though I can worry up a storm. There are those few moments when I know I am enjoying myself and I can enjoy that moment without worry. Only those few moments to myself is when I begin to worry. Just being by myself can be scary. Then everything rushes into my mind.


But yeah I have been pretty tired this week. I feel asleep the last two nights reading Catcher in the Rye to try and finish it before the Socratic Seminar today. Even though I went to bed considerably early at 10pm. I still felt tired. And today I sacrificed my sleeping in to take that EAP test. It was pretty easy but I need sleep. And next week I have to do AP US and AP English full length ap practice tests on the days we get to "sleep in" if we are not taking CASHEE testing but I won't be sleeping in. And AP Chem is having labs both those mornings so I have to copy labs from people. AUGH. I am dying. Cheer me up someone. :[ ...JR prom better knock my socks off and make me happy.

sorry for the long ass tired rant.

--CHRISTINA WANTS SPRING BREAK NOW!

dont sweat those little things.

I was reading about this new book called "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff... and it's all small stuff". It is one of those self-help books (which are totally boring so I never read them but I guess they are cheaper than seeing a shrink right?). There were some certain sections that I did relate to and my week.

See the Innocence
"For many people, one of the most frustrating aspects of life is not being able to understand other people's behavior. We see them as "guilty" instead of "innocent". It's tempting to focus on people's seemingly irrational behavior - their comments, actions, mean-spirited acts, selfish behavior - and get extremely frustrated. If we focus on behaviour too much, it can seem like other people are making us miserable."

I think that is really true. I do sometimes label people "guilty" when their behavior is not "normal". I do that to my brother all the time. I think partially because my parents do that. Instead of listening or understanding, they just label GUILTY or bad behavior or disrespectful behavior on my brother. Then when I bag on my brother, it just makes me mad because of his behavior. Like I will yell at him to do the dishes before he goes jogging but he says he will do it after he goes jogging but I just continuously yell at him until I get frustrated and then let him go and then I feel superbad when he just comes home after jogging and actually does the dishes.

"The next time (and hopefully from now on), when someone acts in a strange way, look for the innocent in their behaviour. If you're compassionate, it won't be hard to see. When you see the innocence, the same things that have always frustrated you no longer do. And, when you're not frustrated by the actions of others, it's a lot easier to stay focused on the beauty of life."

That is sound advice. Stop worrying and getting mad about other people and just let it go. Just listen and see the innocence in their behavior and it will be easier to accept them the way they are. Instead of yelling at my brother, I should just let him jog and then I can trust he will do the dishes.

Choose Being Kind over Being Right
"You have chances to "correct" people, privately as well as in front of others. What all these opportunities amount to are chance to make someone else feel bad, and yourself feel bad in the process. Without getting too psychoanalytical about it, the reason we are tempted to put others down, correct them, or show them how we're right and they're wrong is that our ego mistakenly believes that if we point out how someone else is wrong, we must be right, and therefore we will feel better. In actuality, however, if you pay attention to the way you feel after you put someone down, you'll notice that you feel worse than before the put-down. Your heart, the compassionate part of you, knows that it's impossible to feel better at the expense of someone else."

I am absolutely guilty in doing this. I did it just recently and it hit me hard in the conscious. So I hoped this one friend would do bad (well not really) because I was feeling competitive (we were jokingly bagging on each other) but then this friend calls me later to tell me I did great on my presentation. I felt super bad. Though it may not seem much to some people, I think it is a lesson to learn. I would rather be kind than right sometimes. There is no point in pointing out a person's every flaw and mistake. I just don't like it when people feel the need to criticize excruciatingly on others. I am guilty of doing this but I am trying to follow the "if you have nothing good to say then don't say anything at all." I don't feel right in my heart when I end up gossiping or talking about someone behind their back. I don't do it as often but I know that I have done it more than I should. Humans are made to make mistakes and I know that and I know that I can be hypocritical of my own sayings but I can accept that.

So to talk about more fun stuff:

So apparently these two new designs are a South East Asia EXCLUSIVE by Nike during their tour in Asia. The female shoe is the pink with purple check and the ID on the show says "true love" and the male shoe is the purple wiht blue check and the ID says "be true". They are super cute and if anyone is going to South East Asia please COP ME A PAIR! I think they are only giving them exclusively though. They are super sweet though. I really love the IDs on both.

Finals weeks as been crazy for me. I think the stress is starting to seep in. I failed a math test so my grade dropped three percent so I have to get an A- just to get a B+. T_______T (weep, weep). I am already stuck with B in AP US (just fingers crossed for AP test). Art can easily changed to an A. Chemistry is an A right now but I'm really worried that I will fall below A- if I get a B+ on the final. WHY WHY WHY does everything always fall at the end. I tried so hard and now it is like SPLAT in my face. Sigh. My parents both think I am stupid now because all I get is B's. My mom even told my sister once that she thought i was going "lower and lower". It really disappoints me that my parents are so unfair like that. My mom was some fob in high school and didn't finish college. My father didn't even attend high school (too poor back in Korea). They just don't understand. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am too tough to cry about it anymore. Why do parents make school more stressing than it is? And you know what I hate.. people who don't stress about school and act like it is nothing and don't even care about college. Or smart people who don't use their potential or work hard. Sigh life is unfair. The average people have to work harder than those above always.

I am feeling depressed now. To cheer me up here are some inspirations for junior prom.

PSYCHE. JK.
the day you see me wear that,
i will probably like 80 years old.
that is called "princess style" from japan.
crazy japanese.

-----CHRISTINA